please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
