Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
