1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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