She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
