I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
