apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
