Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
