I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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