I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Semen is not good for contacts.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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