Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
