I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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