i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
