i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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