What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize