Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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