I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
