I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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