the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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