Sry I called you an 8
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize