Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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