I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
