if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
