Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
false alarm, still single
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
