I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
