just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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