Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I smell stomach acid.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
