I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
