when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
