remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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