i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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