So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I pour the whiskey from now on
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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