i think my mom watched the whole time
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
