I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
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