There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
