dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
