No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
