shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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