I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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