i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
