you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize