mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
