At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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