She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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