Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
