My entire life is one complicated drinking game
do herpes really smell.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
