so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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