i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
