My first STD was from a foam party
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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