ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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