ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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