I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
