You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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