Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
