apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
