smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
