I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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